A recent study by the World Health Organisation, or WHO, has revealed that smoking crack is great for self esteem.
According to the study’s findings, people who smoke craic can experience self esteem levels six thousand times greater than people who don’t.
“There’s no doubt about it, smoking crack is one of the most powerful self esteem stimulants we’ve ever come across, just one hit of this stuff and you’ll feel great about yourself for up to twelve hours,” explained WHO spokesperson Keith Mooney. “And, unlike other opiate based medication, you won’t be left feeling lethargic after you take it.”
“Quite the contrary actually, just one little puff and you’ll be full of energy,” continued Mooney, while demonstrating by taking a long steady draw on a homemade crack pipe. “We’ve all been smoking this stuff in the office recently and productivity is an all time high. We’ve done about two years worth of work in the last eight weeks, I haven’t even been home since before Halloween.”
“You’ll also lose a ton of weight while you’re on crack so if you’re looking to raise your self esteem and drop a couple of unwanted pounds before next summer this stuff is the perfect choice,” he said convincingly. “You’ll feel and look great and best of all you’ll completely stop caring about what other people think of you.”
“There are some minor side effects but they’re really nothing to worry about,” he added. “Your teeth will rot out of your head but crack is a natural appetite suppressant so once you’re on this stuff you won’t really need your teeth anyway. It’ll also raise your lebedo and turn you into a potential aggressive sexual predator. But who doesn’t want a little extra spice in their love life?”
“The best thing about crack is the first hit’s free and after that you can smoke your way happy for as little as thirty dollars a day.”
Shortly after our interview with Mr Mooney, which was conducted in an abandoned house in East Baltimore, it became apparent that he was actually a drug dealer and not a representative of the World Health Organisation as he had previously claimed.
