A stoner scientist has reportedly been disciplined by his employer after he was caught using the large hadron collider as a bong.
Reports indicate that Professor Cheech Marley was attempting to collide two different strains of weed together, in an attempt to get the “ultimate hit”, using the large hadron collider.
“It’s a well-known fact that scientists can turn just about anything into a bong,” explained CERN spokesperson Alan Dawson earlier. “When I was working for NASA, I once saw an astronaut smoke a quarter ounce of hash in one go through a claw hammer and a single piece of toilet paper, it was really impressive, unfortunately for him he was spotted on camera and sent to sit down the back of the rocket, his name was Buzz Aldrin.”
“Most scientists are stoners, you kind of have to be a bit of a toker to live your life in the theoretical world,” continued Dawson. “That’s not just in our professional lives either, it crosses over into our personal lives too. Theoretically, we could all have girlfriends but we don’t so we smoke weed and talk about what might happen if we crash particles against each other at the speed of light.”
“You just have to be discreet about it,” he claimed. “Professor Marley was just being silly, I think he was probably showing off in front of some of the interns, trying to look the big man because he’s got the keys to the large hadron collider, he should have tried to smoke it in the small collider, he would have had to settle for smashing the pineapple haze bud of the AK-47 bud at the speed of sound rather than the speed of light but he still would have got a nice hit and stopped himself being made to look like a dick by getting caught.”
“Now, as punishment, the stupid idiot has to spend the rest of the week cleaning the toilets, the only discovery he’s going to make in there is that I didn’t flush after discarding my ballast during this morning’s visit, the sucker.”
In related news, Stephen Hawking claims to have proved, beyond all reasonable doubt, that there are other strains of weed growing in the outer reaches of the galaxy.
