A leading Bible historian has confirmed that Moses was “almost certainly tripping balls” while talking to the burning bush at Mount Horeb.
Martin Anderson, a professor at California’s Christian College, claims that “large portions” of the Moses story, and The Bible in general, are the result of psychoactive cacti growing in the desert at the time.
“It’s no secret, people back in those day ate all sorts of shit they found growing on the ground and, as the old saying goes, whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you trip balls,” explained Mr Anderson earlier today. “I’ve studied The Bible extensively and, as far as I can tell, about ninety eight percent of it seems to be heavily influenced by some sort of psychoactive substance.”
“In terms of the Moses story, we’re not even sure if it’s about an actual person or if it’s just a somebody made up while tripping balls,” continued Mr Anderson. “One thing that is for sure is that if Moses was a real person, he was a total fiend for the crazy cactus. It’s the only way any of that story makes sense.”
“Plagues, slaves, parting seas, burning bushes and none of it recorded in any of the pretty extensive records found in Egyptian hieroglyphics? The whole thing stinks of tripping balls if you ask me,” claimed the professor. “Call me a skeptic if you like, but after studying The Bible for forty odd years you learn that you need to take everything with a pinch of salt.”
According to Anderson, other bits of The Bible which probasbly aren’t true include; the beginning, the middle and the end.