Camping space at festivals is now the world’s most in-demand real estate according to one of Portugal’s leading auctioneers.
Miguel Acosta, best known for looking like a slightly melted version of his father, has sold approximately two thousand four hundred homes in various Portuguese locations in the last twenty years but claims that, when it comes to demand, nothing beats camping space during festival season.
“These festival-goers, they’re fucking crazy man,” Acosta told us earlier. “I’ve dealt with people who really want houses in the past but when it comes to a good camping spot at a festival, equidistant from the toilets, festival entrance and bar, these guys really take the biscuit. Honestly, I’ve seen regular, everyday people turn into Britney Spears with a shaved head level psychopaths, all for the sake of a piece of ground five meters further down a field. It’s nuts.”
“They’d literally sell their own grandmother’s for a good spot,” continued the auctioneer. “In fact, a couple of years ago, I witnessed it myself. This one guy brought his grandmother to use as a bargaining tool to get a slightly less shit camping spot. Of course, nobody took him up on the offer, because everyone else there had their grandmothers with them too, for the exact same reason.”
Regular festival goer, and occasional aggressive camper, Lia Da Cruz claimed that people who do not go to festivals, will never truly understand the importance of a good camping spot.
“People look at me and they see a small, harmless girl and would never think that I would be capable of fighting seven or eight fully grown men at the same time but, if they tried to take my camping spot, I definitely would,” explained Lia. “Don’t fuck with a girl’s pitch, it’s the unofficial eleventh commandment.”
“People just don’t understand how important it is,” she continued. “You need to be close enough to the toilets that you can get there quickly but still be far enough away that you can’t smell them. You also need to be within sight of a bar and near enough to the entrance that you can find your tent when the music stops, no matter how fucked up you are. It’s an exact science.”
“I’m going to Festival Forte on 30 August and if anyone tries to mess with my camping spot, I’ll fuck them up and I’m not ashamed to admit that,” revealed Lia. “It’s on for four nights and it’s in The Castle of Montemor-o-Velho so a good spot close by the castle will be really important. I was there last year too and it was awesome so I already know exactly where I want to camp. I’ll probably head down to the site a week before it starts, just to make sure I get the right spot.”