Facebook To Add Feature Making It Impossible To Add People While Drunk


The bosses at Facebook have received widespread praise for their next planned update which will make it impossible for users to add people while they’re drunk.

Facebook supremo Mark Zuckerberg reportedly conceived of the update after drunkenly adding Bill Gates who then repeatedly sent him daily computer-based puns which were always signed off with a different emoji of a bobble-headed Bill laughing.

“The new update, scheduled to be released before this weekend, will make it impossible for a drunk Facebook user to add anybody while they’re inebriated,” confirmed Zuckerberg. “I’ve been a victim of drunk adding myself and it never works out well.”

“Let’s just say Bill Gates has a sick sense of humour,” he added. “Which involves robots, sex and Melinda.”

Observers have praised the update saying “about fucking time” after almost everyone on Facebook has met someone on a night out, added them immediately and then regretted it.

The feature works by analysing your blood/alcohol level via built in breathalyser while also examining your typing proficiency to gauge your drunkeness.

“How many times have you kissed the head off some guy or girl in a club, added them on Facebook and then woke up filled with a soul piercing regret the next morning,” explained one fan of the new update Sheena Farrell. “I recently kissed a lad on a night out and we added each other, when I got a good look at him through his photos I realised that he had a head that resembled a surly potato and the intelligence of a retarded snail.”

“From his posts on Facebook I was also able to surmise that he hated women, believed in crop circles and wasn’t entirely sure how to correctly use grammar,” she continued. “Thinking about it now it’s probably a good thing I was able to find all this information out straight away without having it revealed slowly over a long drawn out fling.”

“It still doesn’t stop me cringing inside every time he sends me messages either on some formal pretense or while he’s drunk asking if I’m still up,” she concluded. “But I never am.”

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Facebook To Add Feature Making It Impossible To Add People While Drunk

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