A large consignment of cocaine, which had been shipped from Colombia, has accidentally been crowned Miss Universe.
The cocaine, which was destined for the streets of Las Vegas, had been resting in a private room of the city’s Planet Hollywood resort when the show’s host Steve Harvey accidentally named the large bundle of drugs as this year’s winner.
“I’ve never seen a big bunch of cocaine look so proud in all of my life,” claimed social commentator, walking anti-plastic surgery advertisement and general all round snoozefest Kylie Jenner. “Unfortunately it didn’t last too long, when Steve announced that he had made a mistake you could see the pride slowly turning to anger. It must have been a real emotional rollercoaster for the cocaine, a bit like my dad experienced when she went through the men-o-pause.”
According to event organisers, Steve Harvey has claimed full responsibility for the mix up and will soon be “hung out to dry like the washed up has been that he is”.
“I just don’t know what went wrong,” explained Steve earlier. “I’ve been reading since I was twenty one years old and little words like “first, runner, up” and “winner” really shouldn’t be giving me hassle nowadays. Whatever it was, I know I just done fucked up. I’d like to take this opportunity to express my deepest sympathy to that there cocaine and, if it can find it in it’s heart to forgive me, I’d love to take it on into the back room and shovel some of it up my big dumb nose.”
Witnesses’ reports indicate that shortly after being stripped of its short lived fame, in favour of the entry from the Philippines, Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach, the cocaine was taken into police custody, where it is currently being questioned under suspicion of being drugs.
Las Vegas Police Department spokesperson Moe Curly gave this short statement, “The LVPD can confirm that a large consignment of, what we believe to be, cocaine was arrested in the Planet Hollywood resort yesterday evening. So far no charges have been brought against the massive pile of powder, which is currently under interrogation.”
While the outcome of these events is as yet unclear, one thing that we can be certain of is; Steve Hogan is one dumb motherfucker.