Paternity Test Confirms Rupert Murdoch Is Satan’s Lovechild
It has been confirmed today by the good people at the Scientific Institute of Genetics that a paternity test has confirmed once and for all that Rupert Murdoch is Satan’s lovechild.
In a shocking revelation which has shocked no one, not even Rupert Murdoch himself, the test results showed that he was indeed conceived by Satan and an unknown party, who was later revealed to be a woman named Rosemary.
Experts decided to perform the test after noticing Murdoch’s glowing red eyes, scaly skin and a pervasive evil attitude towards people and their privacy.
One doctor who was present described the paternity process, “The usual procedure involves taking a simple blood sample. However, when we tried to do this we discovered his veins were full of bile and shite or a shite like substance that is specific to his species of demon, we’re still not sure.”
“Luckily,” continued the doctor, “we could still test his DNA using this vaguely char smelling material.” He went on to say that having ran the rest of the test in the usual sterile conditions they can confirm that “Rupert Murdoch is, unsurprisingly, a demon.”
“The test, which concluded that Mr. Murdoch is roughly six thousands years old, urinates petrol and doesn’t ever say ‘God bless you’ when people sneeze, also has no soul.”
In an irony befitting a badly written movie the tabloids have had a field day with the story. The Sun newspaper carried the headline “Murdoch Satan Lovechild Shocker,” the Times carried the headline, “Paternity Confirmed in Murdoch Case,” while Fox News, which is owned by Murdoch himself reported the story as “Murdoch Joyfully Reunited With His Biological Father,” while simultaneously displaying a video of Murdoch handing out presents to underprivileged children whilst saving a beached whale.
Rupert “Freedom of Speech” Murdoch, as he is known to people who don’t know anything about him except for what they read in the newspapers he owns, refused to make a statement directly, however he could be seen pouting like a petulant child behind his PR agent, who claimed he was the victim of a vendetta by tabloid journalists. When we were asked to make a statement on whether this was true or not, Wunderground released the following statement, “Fuck him.”