Sacked Jeremy Clarkson To Write Drugs Review Column For The Sunday Times Called “Top Gear”
The Sunday Times have this morning announced that the journalist and sacked British TV personality Jeremy Clarkson is set to write a weekly drugs review column called “Top Gear“.
The column will see Clarkson, pictured above feeling the effects of half a gram of mephedrone, take to the streets of England’s biggest cities where he will test and review the country’s most in-demand narcotics in some of the nation’s most famous venues and notorious drug hotspots.
Clarkson, most famous for being an even bigger twat than Richard Hammond and James May and for spouting racist, offensive nonsense for 50p a word in the right-wing press, is said to be “delighted” with the announcement and plans on “fully submerging” himself in England’s burgeoning drug culture.
“It’s bloody brilliant news is what it is,” claimed Clarkson during an early morning chat with Wunderground. “I think it’s very important for everyone in Britain to listen to what I have to say and this latest column will help me reach a new audience who previously would have thought I was too much of a vile, decrepit, bigoted old racist to listen to.”
“The idea for the column came about quite a while ago,” continued Clarkson, whose writing has previously been described as the literary equivalent of dipping your balls in sulphuric acid. “I was sitting in my good friend and neighbour, Rebekah Brookes’s, house chatting with her and Dave “double drop” Cameron about drugs and how she could get them into prison if she was found guilty in her phone hacking trial.”
“I told her that if she was sent down I could smuggle them in to her in my mangina, which is really just a hellishly smelly fold in the fat surrounding my penis,” explained Clarkson. “Then we all agreed that, if she was found innocent, we’d go on a drug taking tour of England, where we’d take all of the country’s most popular drugs, which I would then write about, like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, only with posh gimps and in England – so maybe, Fear and Loathing Of The Working Classes.”
“To be honest with you I never actually thought it would happen because she was very clearly guilty but this is England where everyone is entitled to a fair and honest trial,” he claimed before bursting into an uncontrollable fit of ironic hysterics, “and she was found innocent and now the rest is history, we started our tour this week and the first column will feature in this Sunday’s edition.”
Clarkson’s first installment of the “Top Gear” column sees the journalist travel to London’s Brixton where he sampled and reviewed a very pure form of heroin known as China White.
You’ll be able to read Clarkson’s inagural column in this week’s Sunday Times, where the “journalist” describes the opiate based drug as being “brilliant because it’s white, just like people” and “so strong it’ll have you drooling like Richard Hammond after a high speed collision”.
out branded,maybe not updatet.maybe4crazy.
Graham do you reckon you’d earn more for giving me a rimlob rather than diffusing your pathetic ill-founded, deeply uninteresting and clichéd, but supposedly informative views across the world wide web? think that would be more of a favour for everyone next time.. except for me who has to get a rimjob from you… someone who churns out laboured, dated and weak analogies referring to a person towards whom throwing an insult is as easy as throwing a shit covered piece of loo paper into the loo. “Mangina”… for fucks sake. who do you think youre appealing to? Just a tragic piece of work on a usually stellar website. smell the coffee Graham and I just hope you haven’t quit the day job.