A sound engineer has warned all promoters to stay out of his way during an upcoming event, insisting that he has “zero fucks” left to give them.
Andy Barton, a failed musician turned club sound engineer, claims that he has “had it up to here” with promoters and DJs trying to tell him how to do his job and will “unleash hell” on the next one to voice their opinion.
“What the fuck is it with these guys coming up to me and telling me how to do my job?” Andy, who had a face like he was chewing a wasp, asked earlier today. “Honestly, if I wasn’t such a pro-fucking-fessional, I’d have smashed someone in the face by now. It’s like working with a pack of fucking children.”
“I’m sick to my teeth of them pretending they know what they’re talking about,” Barton, known locally as a bit of a miserable bollox, continued. “The DJs are one thing, sure, it’s not really music but at least they’re playing it, but the promoters, fuck me, every time one of them talks to me I just want to scream.”
“Well, I’ve officially had enough of it, I don’t get paid enough to work in this shit hole listening to these absolute pillocks talking nonsense,” he ranted angrily. “I’ve no more fucks left to give mate, the next time one of them comes up to me and says something like ‘the sounds a bit lofty’ or ‘can you make it rounder?’ I’m gonna let them have it.”
“If I’m sacked, fuck it, it won’t be the first club I’ve been sacked by for freaking out at a promoter and it won’t be the fucking last either,” Barton, who we later discovered has been sacked by more than twenty music venues, claimed proudly. “At least I’ll know I got sacked for standing up to these idiots. I can live with that.”
In related news, a survey carried out by a group of people with absolutely no expertise or qualifications has found that sound engineering is the world’s grumpiest profession, narrowly beating librarians and park wardens at the top of the poll.
This groundbreaking piece of journalism is brought to you by How To Promote Good – Wunderground’s new comedy series & clubnight @ Hï Ibiza