A local “shit hole” nightclub is set to reopen after undergoing a massive renovation, thought to be worth somewhere in the region of £58, during the week.
The club’s owner, a prominent local businessman and money launderer, claimed the renovations were “long overdue” and highlight his commitment to the area’s nightlife.
“We closed our doors for business almost four days ago and agreed that we would not open them again until we could guarantee our patrons a
Club insiders have confirmed they will be throwing a massive relaunch party this weekend and have invited a number of local celebrities, including the lad who waves at busses, some girl who has over eight thousand Instagram followers and a granny who claims to have been shagged by Wayne Rooney.
The club, which was recently voted 12,364,211th on the DJ Mag Top 100 Clubs list, is believed to have been given a complete makeover ahead of the weekend’s relaunch.
“No expense has been spared to give the club the modern look it needs to reach the top of the local clubbing landscape,” claimed one entusiastic member of staff. “The owner has spent an absolute fortune on Wish so everything will be ultra modern and of the highest quality. Our regulars are in for a real treat!”
Improvements made to the club include, a single coat of paint, a number of smoke damaged pillows in the VIP area, plug in air fresheners in the bathrooms and two packs of glow in the dark stars to give the dancefloor an “out of this world” vibe.
