The animal world has been left “shocked and appalled” after a Dolphin was filmed snorting lines of cocaine.
According to reports, the Dolphin, a thirty-four-year-old fisherman from the Mid-Atlantic, was caught “red finned” snorting the illicit drug in a video that he later sent to his ex-girlfriend, a sixteen-year-old Skipjack Tuna from France’s Atlantic coast.
Wunderground spoke to meerkat Alvin Muckhauser, an elected representative of the animal kingdom, earlier today, “What can I say? Our whole community has been rocked by this news. I’m actually lost for words, Simples,” he told us. “You’d expect this kind of thing from a shark or a crocodile but not a fucking dolphin. They’re supposed to be the smartest out of all of us.”
“It’s a bad day for all of the animal world,” continued the rattled meerkat moments before pausing for fifteen minutes to repeatedly call his friends Alan and Steven. “I really don’t see the appeal myself, I’d much rather sniff my friends and family’s bumholes than cocaine. I am an animal after all.”
Human cocaine expert Avicii believes the video could be a seminal point in animal evolution, “It’s amazing, I’m so happy for the animals,” he said with a beaming smile. “I always thought that animals were pretty stupid because they didn’t do coke but this dolphin actually managed to do coke, without any nostrils, underwater and he didn’t even get his coke wet, he’s a total hero.”
“If animals are doing drugs, surely it’s only a matter of time before they start driving cars and living in houses. What a time to be alive!”
So far, the dolphin has yet to comment on the issue, with sources close to him claiming he is hiding out in the Penguin enclosure of Miami’s Seaquarium, sniffing artificial snow.