US presidential prospect Donald Trump has vowed to change his surname to Duck in an attempt to win the “stoner vote” in next year’s presidential election.
2016’s election will be the first since a number of states legalised the recreational use of marijuana and the “stoner vote” is now viewed as being key in a number of states.
“We’ve never really taken the stoner vote too seriously before,” explained Republican Party spokesperson Mitch Doughboy. “We’ve always just considered them an extension of the black or Mexican vote but now it seems quite clear that they are their own demographic and need to be addressed too.”
“Before marijuana’s legalisation, many pot smokers we’re simply too stoned to make the trip to the polling stations,” continued Doughboy, who bared a remarkable resemblance to a lizard, “but now they actually care about politics again and we’re sure that the only way to win their vote is by making them giggle so Mr. Trump has decided to change his surname to Duck.”
According to stoner Darnell Johnson, he would never consider voting for Donald Trump, pictured above making his best duck face, but could be persuaded to vote for someone with identical policies if they had a slightly funny name.
“I’d never vote for Donald Trump, no Sir, that man is a bad man,” claimed Johnson during an early morning smoke up. “I like funny things and he aint funny at all. Well his hair is kinda funny but not funny enough for to make me forget how god damn bad he is.”
“But if he was to change his name to Donald Duck, then it would probably be a different story,” continued a red eyed Mr. Johnson. “I could see myself really loving a president called Donald Duck, it wouldn’t even matter how badly he treated emigrants or how many Arabs he killed, I’d always be able to forgive him.”
Political sources indicate that the stoner vote could be key in as many as five states, a statistic that could see one of Trump’s opponents, Senator Bernie Sanders, changing his first name to Colonel and handing out free fried chicken to voters.