High-Street Chav Removes Vest And Opens Can Of Stella At First Sight of Sun
It has been reported that local chavs up and down the country have simultaneously removed their tops and cracked open cans of beer as the UK sees its first glimpse of summer sunshine.
The first sighting of a topless chav wandering down a local high-street was made in Chatham, Kent, by seventeen year old Sarah Chamberlain who claimed to be “astounded to see one so early in the year”.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw this bloke known coming towards me with no top on. Although the sun was out, it was fuckin’ freezing, like minus three degrees or some shit, but that didn’t stop him chugging on his can of Stella outside of the local Coral at ten a.m. or asking if I wanted to suck his cock. What a delightful man. I usually expect this to happen during summer, but not in early March.”
Elsewhere across the UK, early sightings have been made as far north as Carlisle and as far south as Newquay, with the likes of Margate, Luton, Wolverhampton, Oldham, Hull, Liverpool, Rochdale, Barking, Bradford and Stoke all named as places on high alert.
Wunderground caught up with local MP for High-Wycombe Margaret Fitzgerald to ask how she plans to combat the problem of bare chested larger louts.
“It is an epidemic,” said Margaret. “The winter months are usually fine as the chavs go from the doll office straight to Weatherspoons, to the off-licence, then home, without really hassling anybody and only causing disturbances in their own homes. Yet the summer months are a fucking nightmare, these cunts get everywhere.”
“Between April and October every single year they are out of control, drinking cheap alcohol on park benches, shouting abuse at passers-by, usually fucked out of their heads by two-o-clock in the afternoon and arguing amongst themselves. I have put together a survival guide which will be distributed in next month, alerting the general public on how to spot a chav from a distance, common areas to avoid and what to do if you are approached by one.”
Thirty two year old accountant, Benedict Pickett-Hollingsworth from Esher, Surrey, had this to say, “Being from the tranquil, beautiful and classy town of Esher, I had never come across a chav until I visited a client in Sittingbourne, Kent, yesterday. It was truly frightening. I saw this chap in Thomas Burberry headwear so instantly assumed he was a man of good taste but when I asked where the local Waitrose was, so I could purchase some pheasant and goose eggs for lunch, he became aggressive and askied me if I was taking the piss out of his mum. He then demanded I lend him a pound and give him a fag.”
“I wasn’t too sure how to respond to him so naturally I frowned at him and then turned and walked away, that was when he took his vest off and said he wanted to ‘ave it’. I didn’t know if I was going to be beaten up or raped at that point, it was all thoroughly confusing” said Benedict. “Luckily my survival instinct kicked in and I managed to distract him by throwing some loose change on the ground, giving me enough time to make it back to the safety of the Range Rover.”
In related news, it has been reported in the Financial Times and Grocer that growth in the sales of Stella Artois and White Lightening has risen by 742% since the sun came out three days ago.