Non-Raver Thinks The Same Song Has Been Playing For Eight Hours
It has been revealed that a non-raver who attended her first rave last weekend had a “shit time” because she thought the same song had been playing for eight hours.
Twenty four year old self-proclaimed hip-hop fanatic Jessica Long, from Middlesex, England, is said to have been left “extremely disappointed” by the music played, as well as “emotionally distressed” that nobody there was willing to discuss Kanye West with her.
“All of my girls take the piss out of me for loving Drake and Kanye but I don’t care. These are two lyrical Gods who cannot be disrespected,” said Jessica. “I agreed to go along to this rave but it was a nasty environment full of druggies. So many weirdos tried chatting to me and kept offering me water, which was probably full of that date-rape drug or something. It was as though people didn’t give a shit that The Life Of Pablo had just been released. I expected the DJ to drop at least four tunes from that album throughout the night but when I tried requesting them he wasn’t having any of it. It confused me.”
“I thought if I go along to a rave, it will keep the girls happy and might open me up to new experiences and perhaps open my mind to new music, but it was a complete waste of time,” explained Jessica. “There was some feminine-looking skinny guy with a shocking haircut, in a black t-shirt, twiddling a few knobs and people were going wild, clambering to get a photo or video of him. He came on about midnight and finished about seven-ish, and it was fucking weak, one loud, booming racket the whole time. Where were the fuckin’ vocals? At one point a few people threw their arms in the air and gave a bit of a cheer, I thought perhaps Justin Beiber had arrived but it wasn’t the case.”
Wundergound managed to catch up with Jessica’s best friend Leanne to find out what went down, “It was a sick night” said Leanne. “We saw Richie Hawtin play in an abandoned warehouse and he was dropping belter after belter. A few of us convinced Jessica to come along, give it a try and taste some real music but she just didn’t enjoy it. She just behaved like an annoying cunt, preaching shit to strangers about Nicki Minaj and accusing every bloke of wanting to fuck her.
“I am sure she will come around to the idea of raves eventually, it was only a year ago that I got into them so there’s definitely still hope for her. This time last year I was into One Direction and Sam Smith, but then I went on a girl’s holiday to Ibiza with my mates, took some ketamine down Bora Bora, learnt how to shuffle and now I know pretty much everything there is to know about rave culture. I’ve got a ket spoon and everything. Given time, I am sure Jessica will become as big a raver as I am.”