A twenty eight year old woman who used exercise to fill the void left in her life when she quit partying, has reportedly decided to go back to partying.
Claire Davis, a beauty technician from The Valleys, Wales, claims that exercising was a lot harder than she initially thought it would be and decided that partying would be a lot less stressful on her body.
“I gave the whole exercising thing about a month and it was bloody hard work,” Claire told our reporter this morning. “Squats, crunches, burpees, planks, I’ve done them all. I even went running for the first time since I was a teenager and we used to get chased out of the park by the police for drinking.”
“At first, I thought I was really going to like it,” she said in her hilarious Welsh accent. “I thought I’d be going to the gym five or six times a week, building muscle and losing fat and basically fully submerging myself in fitness, I even imagined I’d be running a marathon or climbing Mount Snowdon by the end of the year.”
“Not a fucking hope,” admitted Davis. “After the very first day, I was so stiff the next morning, I couldn’t even make it down the stairs, I ended up spending two and a half days in bed, I thought exercise was supposed to make you stronger, not bloody injure you. When I went back to the gym the following week, the very same thing happened again.”
“That’s when I started to realise that exercise probably wasn’t all it’s made out to be and that partying might not be all that bad for me,” she continued. “So, I decided I’d ease myself back into the party scene with a little Friday night trip down the local.”
“I ended up getting home Tuesday morning so it’s fair to say that went tits up quicker than a Paris Hilton DJ set,” Davis joked. “But, you know what? I wasn’t stiff or sore at all. In fact, apart from some crippling anxiety, an overwhelming sense of doom and a terrible bout of sleep paralysis, I was totally fine.”
Reports suggesting Ms Davis would spend the money she will save by canceling her gym membership on a holiday next summer have been rubbished after friends confirmed she would be using it to pay off the £300 cocaine bill she ran up over the course of the weekend.