In the latest lockdown update released by UK government, it appears deflated lips are on the rise, with 262,000 new cases reported over the last seven days taking the grand total to over 1 million.
“Thousands of girls are waking up with plain looking lips everyday – it’s such a frightening time to be alive” said one former trout-face.
The announcement of a further three weeks of lockdown has sparked enormous backlash from females across the country, with many claiming they’d “happily catch coronavirus” if it means getting their lip-fix.
“I’ve had crabs, chlamydia, piles and cold sores in the last year, coronavirus wouldn’t even touch the sides mate” said 28 year old hair technician, Vikki, from London.
Multiple crowdfunding pages have been set up, along with an organised show of support due to take place this Saturday at 10pm “I think it’s only fair that the general public show us some support like they do NHS workers” continued Vikki.
“10pm is peak time as well, coz this is when we’d usually be pounding Prosecco, getting on the packets, sloshing around some swanky bar looking for lower league footballers, local DJs or former Love Island contestants to try and suck off”.
The government update also confirmed a further strain on the NHS in the form of a number of incidents involving “self-lip-growth”, including a 36 year old lady shoving her face into a beehive, a 19 year old girl with a nut allergy eating peanut butter, one girl repeatedly punching herself in the face and over 1,000 women sticking their mouths inside the hoover hose, all with the hope of getting that blow-up doll look.
Too old to go to raves, too young to retire from them. Where does that leave me? Writing for Wunderground.