President-Elect Joe Biden has announced Sven Marquardt will serve as Head Of Security at Capitol Hill following last week’s riots at the building.
Sven, currently out of work due to Covid, is world-renowned for running an impossible to infiltrate building and will begin his role on January 20.
“I will do the job the National Guard can not, and I’ll do it without really moving, talking, or even making any real facial expressions. Maybe the occasional nod if I decide to let somebody through,” said Sven, in his acceptance speech earlier today.
“The three things I am very very good at…”
“Firstly, keeping you filthy Americans out of my building. I have been doing this for years now and look forward to doing it on your own soil.”
“At Berghain, I can spot an American from two thousand feet away – or the middle of the queue as I like to call it.”
“Secondly, I am the worlds leading expert at keeping both Felix Da Housecat and Richie Hawtin out of my building. Do they come here? Okay, may not be so useful in this role, buuut… if they show; they can fuck right off. No Americans, Canadians, or overhyped DJs in Capitol Hill.”
“Thirdly, no politicians. You dress badly, you don’t know how to dance, and you spend the whole time either in the bathroom sniffing coke or in the main room killing everybody’s vibe.”
Sources close to the White House later responded that Canadian fringe-fest Richie Hawtin has actually been appointed to the Department Of Defense by Joe Biden and will need access to Capitol Hill.
Hawtin is thought to be developing an innovative air-defense bombing system, which will see thousands of speakers pushed from helicopters onto the unwitting enemy troops below.