5 Types Of People You’ll Run Into At The Ibiza Opening Parties
It’s that time of year again, when the dance music world turns its glassy-eyed gaze onto a small island in the Mediterranean and thinks ‘yep, that looks like a good spot for a big massive summer long party, I’ll bring the DJs, you bring the people’ and everyone has a big load of fun and takes techno-drugs. If you’ve never been there before then you just might need a handy guide to help you navigate the murky waters so here’s our handy Wunderground guide to the types of people you’ll 100% run into while partying your own face off at the Ibiza Opening Parties.
1. The people who’ve been there since before the dawn of time….
The standard model of physics would have you believe that the universe came into being out of nothingness with a cataclysmic explosion that created all matter, but they’re wrong because even before there was a universe the Ibiza veterans were there, dancing in a nameless void while bumming smokes of people who don’t exist and repeatedly saying that “Ibiza used to be better in the old days”. They’re still there today and will likely be there “having it large” with their leather skin and sun saluting when the universe finally collapses in on itself…
2. Shufflers
Unfortunately, being a focal point for all aspects of dance music culture, Ibiza attracts some people who are likely to make you wish you were in a real life version of Grand Theft Auto where mercilessly gunning down innocents while giggling was socially acceptable. People like Paris Hilton, anyone associated with the phenomenon known as Steve Aoki and shufflers. What are shufflers you ask, in your state of pre-lapsarian bliss? I almost don’t want to tell you lest you collapse to your knees crying the tears of a man who has just come face to face with the futility of existence. Yes, like a dancing existential crisis shufflers are the jerky legged show offs who have been spreading like a piss stain on dance music.
3. Super rich douchebags
Do you even spend your Dad’s cheddar bro?? Do you even, bro? Do you even? This is the kind of cretinous muck talker who uses the word ‘ball’ as a verb, talks about himself in the third person and thinks Dan Bilzerian’s ostentatious displays of flagrant wealth are ‘sick bro’. You’ll most likely find him in the VIP area wasting champagne on vacuous girls who’ve brought their own glasses, nodding slightly to music he doesn’t understand while Instagramming selfies with anyone who is remotely famous and adding the hashtag #swag to everything he posts.
4. The guy who’s off his nut within the first hour
You can’t miss this chap, he’s already got his top off, sweaty vest tucked into the front of his jean shorts while he stumbles around near the front with a deranged look on his face that seems to say ‘I’m chewing off my own earlobe…and fucking lovin it’. Ten pills have just hit this dude at once, like bricks to the back of the spine, he’ll now just shake a bit rhythmically while licking his teeth for 7 hours. He’ll resemble a spit flecked dog on rabies but he’ll have a better time than anyone else, even if he doesn’t remember it.
5. The deep house poseur
See that dude that looks like he’s not really enjoying the night? You can’t miss him, he’s dressed all in black, has a full sleeve tattoo and a snapback cap…he probably DJs himself and if he really likes a track he’ll sway from one foot to the other while lifting one finger into the air as a mark of approval while Shazaming the track with his other hand. At no point will he smile or dance energetically, he’ll just be there pouting with his crew and waiting for women to look at his manbun and repeating the phrase ‘on point’ in a faux London accent.
