Vengaboys Arrested For War Crimes

Androgynous Europop spunktards, The Vengaboys, have today been apprehended in Holland on suspicion of having carried out a litany of war crimes throughout the late 90s.

The Vengaboys, a sort of multi-gender European version of The Village People only imagined through the lens of an especially kaleidoscopic Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, had a string of criminally offensive hits in the late 90s that European lawmakers have deemed “cruel and unusual punishment”.

The group, alongside sedating British toddler-entertainers, Steps, and garishly coloured gimmick-hustlers, Aqua, will stand trial in The Hague in a trial overseen by techno-don Dave Clarke for the butchering of millions of eardrums in what has been described as “the most sustained assault on musical sensibilities since Right Said Fred donned a net mesh tanktop”.

“I still remember the grey September afternoon when The Vengaboys visited my small village,” wept one of the witnesses who claims that early exposure to The Vengaboys meant that she was never able to love techno and involuntarily hums along to the harrowing sounds of dance-pop despot, Calvin Harris.

“Being musically abused at such a young age has left me constantly repeating the cycle, some nights I find myself dancing and crying while the latest EDM smash beats me about the head like a truncheon composed of sick drops and builds.”

“They came into town in the now famous, Vengabus, a fully equipped, noise-shit spraying, Europop behemoth that left the local youth club and its patrons covered in the gloppy remains of glow-stick ejecta that colours my memory of that grim afternoon in depressing pink and blue.”

“If I close my eyes at night I can still here the sounds of Boom Boom Boom providing a backdrop to the indiscriminate slaughter of that teenage disco,” she added before attempting to claw her own ears off.

Arresting officials made a brief statement alluding to how the elusive Vengaboys were finally captured, performing as a Vengaboys cover band on an 18-35 cruise ship that docks in Ayia Napa, Magaluf and Hell.

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“Never have so few owed so much to so many,” intoned a sombre European official from The Hague courtroom where the trial is expected to start next week. “Rest assured The Vengaboys will pay for the horrors they have unleashed, like how they made ‘going to Ibiza’ sound like a bland and toothless Saturday morning TV trip.”

“These poor victims should have been listening to late 90s trance and taking their first forays into techno, instead they were forced to play musical chairs to a Smash Hits compilation of the Vengaboy’s aural wretchedness while drinking fizzy pop and crisps.”

Cameras captured The Vengaboys being brought into the Rotterdam prison where they will be held until their trial and all commented on how “utterly disconcerting it was to see those monsters looking like such normal people and not wearing the uniforms we imagine they wore while carrying out their numerous offences”.

“It was disgusting, but even without the bejewelled cowboy hat, crop-top-bursting boobs and manicured facial hair, you could tell it was them.”