Culture

Price Of Balloons Will Rise With Inflation, Warn Experts

The price of balloons is set to rise in line with inflation, say economists, balloon experts, and drug dealers. “Any balloon will rise with inflation – that’s common sense” claimed James Sheridan,

May 1, 2023

Culture·Scene

New Pioneer Mixer Projects Logo Onto DJs Forehead

The new Pioneer XDJ-2023 has been unveiled, and DJs all over Clubland have been frothing at the gash just to get their hands on it. Possibly the most exciting, cutting-edge feature of

April 5, 2023

Tech

DJ Is An Expert At Syncing Tracks To The Firework Display, Somehow

DJs have evolved the ability to see into the future. Either that, or they’ve developed the ability to mindread stage production staff and know their every move before they make it, scientists

April 3, 2023

DJs·Festivals·Tech

Vinyl Outsells Pop-Tarts For The First Time

In a further sign of Vinyl’s relentless climb back to the top, the format has this week outsold the popular Nineties breakfast treat, pop tarts, for the first time. This news comes

April 1, 2023

Food·Vinyl

This Festival Announced A Similar Line-Up To Everybody Else, And It’s Apparently Worth Writing A News Piece About

This bog standard festival has announced the same shit they announce every year, and we’re going to pay talented people with hopes and dreams, and better places to be, to sit down

March 31, 2023

Festivals·Scene

Ticket Tout Retires Due To Lack Of Support From Music Industry

London-based ticket tout Chris Mackie has this morning announced he may never return to his lifelong passion of scalping tickets and slightly diminishing concert-attendees overall enjoyment of events. “I’ll be honest with

May 2, 2021

Scene

CDJ3000 Recalled After ‘Terminator Chip’ Mix-Up

Hundreds of Pioneer’s new CDJs have accidentally been given the CPU of an unstoppable, autonomous cybernetic assassin. Following a factory mishap, many faulty CDJ3000 units are transforming into shapeshifting killer organisms that

September 14, 2020

Tech

Rule Britannia To Be Replaced By S Club Party

Following the recent omission of Rule Britannia from the Proms, it has been confirmed by a number of major news outlets that the divisive British song is set to be replaced by

September 7, 2020

Culture

“Virtual Festivals Aren’t Really Festivals” Claim Anyone Capable Of Thought

The internet today collectively gave up on “virtual festivals” after accepting they are nothing of the sort. “A chat window and a badly-shot DJ stream is not the same as being in

July 17, 2020

Scene

Locked-Down Pub Landlord Insists Beer Would Have Gone To Waste If He Didn’t Drink It All

The landlord of a pub that was closed due to lockdown restrictions has defended his decision to drink 440 pints of beer and cider in the last two months by insisting it

July 4, 2020

Drinks