This Festival Announced A Similar Line-Up To Everybody Else, And It’s Apparently Worth Writing A News Piece About

This bog standard festival has announced the same shit they announce every year, and we’re going to pay talented people with hopes and dreams, and better places to be, to sit down and waste half an hour writing about it.

The festival has made a healthy donation to our ‘music journalists in need‘ fund in exchange for this ‘news’ so it’s not a complete waste of our time. 

Just yours. 

The line-up is a unique, carefully curated blend of every artist the festival has already booked and could do an easy deal with, without having to think of new acts to book. 

If you take their last line-up, and the line-up the year before that. Add them together, give them a shake, then take half the names away… now you have this year’s line-up!

Maybe throw in DJ EZ for good measure. The kids love him, right?

The boutique festival experience combines a unique blend of flags stuck in the ground on poles, and a big red tent with some gates outside to get sick on.

For the foodies in the audience, a posh lady, down on her luck, will be serving up an artisan experience of scalding coffee-like water and some giant-sausage-roll thing with eyes that seems to follow you around the room, all served out of the back of a converted horse box called ‘The Krusty Kitchen”

Her kids will stare weirdly at you throughout the transaction, and the thousands of horses who literally shat in the kitchen currently cooking your food will look down on you from heaven, wondering what the fuck are you thinking.

It will cost you £24 and you will immediately throw it in the bin 5 yards from the till, before deciding to find some Ket to drown out the painful nonsense you have paid £200 to attend. 

In other non-news, 96 other identical festivals have today announced the exact same line-up as this one, but they had no budget for us… so we don’t technically consider them news.